


Best Shades of my Life

by FiresFromOurHearts



Series: Gotta Keep On Dreaming [2]
Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV 2020)
Genre: Alex Mercer Has Anxiety (Julie and the Phantoms), Alex Mercer Needs a Hug (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex Mercer-centric (Julie and The Phantoms), Anxiety, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, Comfort, Friendship/Love, Gen, Good Friend Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Good Friend Reggie Peters (Julie and The Phantoms), Hugs, Love, Mentioned Bobby | Trevor Wilson, Mentioned Flynn (Julie and The Phantoms), Mentioned Julie Molina, Panic Attacks, Queerplatonic Alex Mercer/Luke Patterson/Reggie Peters (Julie and the Phantoms), Queerplatonic Relationships, Soft Alex Mercer (Julie and the Phantoms), Soft Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Soft Reggie Peters (Julie and The Phantoms), Sunset Curve (Julie and The Phantoms), THEY JUST LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH OKAY
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:55:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,271
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29777169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FiresFromOurHearts/pseuds/FiresFromOurHearts
Summary: The thing about Alex is that he likes to place things in neat little boxes and gives them names. But it’s not something the band has ever done. They’re friends and bandmates and family and more. Alex doesn’t have the words to describe their relationship, he only knows that it is.The modern world has a lot of new words and terms, including queerplatonic relationship. The discovery of the word for Alex doesn't change anything but it also changes everything.
Relationships: Alex Mercer & Luke Patterson & Reggie Peters (Julie and The Phantoms)
Series: Gotta Keep On Dreaming [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2186775
Comments: 3
Kudos: 14





	Best Shades of my Life

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Stubbornness_and_Spite](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stubbornness_and_Spite/gifts).



> Dedicated to the person who managed to get me into this show. I'm now stuck here and I'm loving every second of it. Thank you for introducing this show to me, even if it was by accident. 
> 
> **Warning** for depiction of a panic attack. If you want more information, feel free to ask. If this is triggering, please don't read! Look after yourselves.

The thing about Alex is that he likes to place things in neat little boxes and give them names. It doesn’t necessarily make things easier to deal with when everything’s so clearly cut, but it makes him able to think about them more without them growing and growing and growing until it’s an abyss sucking him downwards and he’s drowning in his own thoughts. Alex likes not dealing with that so—labelling things. It’s a thing he does.

But it’s not something the band has ever done. They’re friends and bandmates and family and _more_. Alex doesn’t have the words to describe their relationship, he only knows that it is. It’s not simple friendship. Before anything else, they care for each other. Alex knows that if they had to choose between each other and music that, no matter how much they might struggle, they would always choose each other.

They’d hadn’t started off this way. At first, they’d been strangers and then tentative friends and then they’d become bandmates and more and everything else.

Maybe it’s just Alex who finds it weird, being who he is. Being _what_ he is. It’s not like Alex is ashamed to be gay, not anymore, it’s part of him but it’s not all of him. All it means—all it _meant_ because that time has passed them now—is that he has to be careful with what he does, who he looks at, how he looks. It’s exhausting and it’s a never-ending list and he’s never had to do it with his bandmates.

Luke, for one, has never hesitated to tug Alex against him and hold his hand if that’s what Alex wants, even after he came out. Then, of course, there’s Reggie who’s always been ready to offer Alex a hug and always willing to flop over Alex on the couch.

That’s not normal. Alex _knows_ that’s not normal. No one else acts this way, not with other boys.

But it’s how you treat family, Alex thinks. Not necessarily males in the family but _why_ not? It’s society, he knows. Reggie has rambled about it, more now than before, about society and toxic masculinity and-

Well, Reggie’s gotten used to modern times. He knows how to use laptops and phones and it’s like Carlos is teaching him which… might be true as far as Alex knows. He hasn’t interacted much with the youngest Molina, has only listened to Reggie’s stories for the most part. Even now that they can be seen, on occasion, and interact with the external world, Alex still keeps his distance. He’s not entirely sure why. Or he is. But he doesn’t want to admit it.

Regardless, that’s not the problem. The problem is that Alex likes labelling things neatly but the rest of the band don’t necessarily need to. Not like Alex does. The band and their closeness, this thing that seems to go beyond friendship and into family but-

It’s not being brothers. Alex doesn’t know what it is and he struggles with that. When he thinks about it, he finds himself spiralling because it’s such a big thing—this thing with the others and yet he doesn’t have a word for it.

Not until Flynn, that is. Not until Flynn, with her labels and her knowledge, turns to Alex when they’re alone one day and offers him a term he’s never heard before. But Alex hears it and it just works. It clicks like nothing else has before and for a heartbeat, Alex’s mind is calm and his thoughts are easy and slow.

Which is probably why he ends up pacing, a few hours later. He likes the term, would fit it to his relationship with Luke and Reggie, would fit it to _Sunset Curve_ —except their band is a broken, fractured thing; Bobby torn from them through time and life. Bobby had been part of them and now-

He wears a path down on the floor. It’s his normal path. Six steps across, spin, then six steps back, more if he can fit it. It’s in front of the couch and this, at least, is familiar. The familiarity is the only thing that lets him breathe past the anxiety clinging to his skin, sending nerves bustling up and down his body. He’s restless, unable to stay still, and his thoughts fly faster and faster. He knows he’s working himself up, breathing getting faster, and he knows he should calm down but-

But what if the others dislike the label Alex thinks is perfect? What if the others scorn his thoughts? What if they decide they don’t want this? What if they want distance? What if-

“Hey Alex, are you alright?”

Heart in his throat, Alex spins to face Reggie. His heart is pounding and he can feel the thumping throughout his body. It’s loud in his ears and his breathing is harsh and seeing Reggie, seeing his bandmate and friend and everything else, somehow makes it worse and now he’s choking on nothing and he can’t breathe and-

“Come on Alex, breathe with me. I know you can hear me, man. I just need you to tone it down a notch. You’re going to end up having a panic attack at this rate. You just need to breathe with me, okay? In. Hold for four. Out for six. Hear that beat on the floor? Keep count for me.”

Alex blinks and sucks in a heaving breath. It shudders out of him, but he can hear the easy rhythm that Reggie’s tapping on the wooden floorboards. It’s instinctive to keep count, working off the standard four-count. It helps and Alex manages to slow down his breathing enough so that he can actually think past _I-can’t-breathe_.

In front of him, Reggie is sitting cross legged on the ground, keeping a bit of distance between them. Reggie smiles but doesn’t say anything, just keeps the rhythm going. Tilting his head back, Alex rests his head on the couch and closes his eyes. He breathes to Reggie’s count. Doesn’t reach out and touch, but categorises the shaky feeling in his limbs, the exhaustion flooding his mind, the feeling of wanting to sleep for an eternity.

A tingle runs down Alex’s arms, something that’s not anxiety-related but ghost-related. He opens his eyes, lifting his head, and sees Luke hovering by Reggie’s side. The summoning-thing is new and Alex doesn’t know how it works and-

And he’s too tired to think about it. Doesn’t want to launch himself into another spiral.

Gathering himself, he says, “Hey.” The word croaks out of him, rough at the edges, and it falls to the ground, but his bandmates are there and they gather it in careful hands, keep it from breaking and shattering on the hard ground.

“Hey there,” Luke says, all soft and cautious and quiet. It soothes Alex’s sharp edges, brings the world down to just them and makes it easier to bear.

“Do you want me to get you some water?” Reggie asks. Alex nods in response. He doesn’t need to see the others right now—not like he does sometimes. He knows that they’re there and that’s enough. He’s not flooded with panic at the thought of them disappearing from his sight.

Reggie gets up and moves quickly. Luke crouches and takes his position. “Do you want to move onto the couch?”

It’s just like Luke to ask _do you want to_ rather than _can you_. After a moment of thought, Alex reaches his hands out and Luke grabs them quickly. It’s easy to watch the relief cross Luke’s face, but it makes Alex’s gut go sour. He hates the fact he can’t just reach out to his bandmates all the time.

“Whatever you’re thinking, it’s wrong,” Luke says. Still, he doesn’t say anything more, just heaves Alex up and they sit on the couch together. It’s easy, right now, for Alex to shift so he’s half curled up against Luke, resting his head on Luke’s shoulder. “We’ve got you. You’re okay.”

It’s not okay. It never is. But Alex manages to live with that, some days, and some days his bandmates are there to help him.

Reggie reappears, glass of water in hand, and he hands it carefully over to Alex, making sure the other has it safely in hand before letting go. The glass doesn’t shake in Alex’s hand, thankfully, and he raises to his lips, gulping it down, before he places it down on the table.

“Do you want more?” Reggie asks and Alex shakes his head.

“I’m alright,” he says. “I just…” He trails off. “Sit next to me?”

Reggie smiles and drops down beside Alex. “Do you want to talk about it?” Reggie asks. “Now or later.”

For a second, Alex considers not saying anything. But the thought of it is still consuming him. He knows, if given the opportunity, he’ll easily spiral back into his thoughts and… He doesn’t want that. It hasn’t even been a day and he’s already worked himself up into a panic attack about it.

“Yeah,” he says, swallowing. “I do. It’s…” He trails off and considers what he wants to say and how he should go about saying it. “You know how we’re not… not exactly normal friends and we’re family but we’re not exactly brothers?”

“I never really thought about it,” Luke says with a half shrug that Alex can feel from where he’s scrunched up at Luke’s side. “But I agree. Does it matter though?”

“Yes!” The word bursts from Alex’s lips, sharp and shrill. “It does!”

There are a few seconds of silence, then Reggie says, “This has really been bothering you, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Alex says. “It has been. I like it when things fit neatly into categories. When thinks make sense.”

“We know,” Luke says. “So what spurred this then?”

“I was speaking to Flynn and… and she was telling me about this term. Or, well, she asked if we were in one and-”

A squeeze around his wrist has Alex pausing, glancing over at Reggie whose hand encircles his wrist now. “Breathe Alex.” It takes a second for Alex to realise what Reggie’s speaking about, and then he notices how there’s anxiety rising through him again. He breathes in, slowly breathes out. Then continues.

“Flynn asked if we were in a queerplatonic relationship and told me what it meant. And it’s- it’s- it’s not _us_ , but it could be us?”

“Do you mind explaining what it is?” Luke asks lightly, like this isn’t a big deal, and Reggie squeezes his wrist, and it’s like they’d give it considerable thought. Maybe they will because it’s him and it’s them and they’re Sunset Curve.

“It’s like… When the line between romance and friendship is kind of blurred. It’s subject to change depending on like the people involved. But it’s… more emotional closeness and like dedication than an ordinary friendship.”

“And you want us to be in this… queerplatonic relationship?” Reggie asks. “And it’d just be us. But...?”

“But with a name,” Alex says. “It’d be exactly what we have technically. It’s just… We come first to each other and we help each other.”

“I’m in,” Luke says, because he’s always been the one to jump in without thinking. Or he does think but then he does it anyway. It makes Alex want to tear his hair out sometimes, but right now it just makes him smile.

“Same,” Reggie says, seconds later. And of course Reggie agrees so quickly, when haven’t they followed Luke? They’re all in, always, but this isn’t something they can jump into without thinking, surely. Surely they need to think about this?

“You’re not doing this just for me, right?”

“I’m doing this because I _want_ to, Alex,” Reggie says easily and he’s sincere—which is just like Reggie normally. “I want this too, okay? Trust me to make my own decisions.”

“So long as they aren’t dumb,” Luke chimes in and a smile crosses Alex’s face. He lifts his head and catches Reggie’s smile like the sun coming out from behind the clouds, it warms his whole body.

“So long as they aren’t dumb,” Reggie parrots. “But this isn’t just on you. This is something I want too; I just didn’t know that there was a word for it.”

“Same here,” Luke says. “We’re in this together and this is what we chose.”

Alex breathes in and breathes out slowly. “Okay,” he says, voice almost trembling. “Okay.” The repetition comes out stronger and Alex feels stronger too. It feels like he’s borrowed his bandmates’ strength, like when they’re on stage and connected and it’s almost like they can feel what the other is feeling, they know what the other will do before it happens.

“Love you, ‘Lex,” Luke says, breaking the silence, and this feels easy now. The arm Luke has wrapped over his shoulders squeezes softly. On the other side, Reggie squeezes his wrist and Alex shifts his hand so that he can entangle their fingers together. He’s warm all over, but especially where he’s pressed side to side with his teammates.

“Love you too, Luke, Reggie. You guys are- are like life and laughter and _everything_ that makes the world a good place.”

“You’re the sweetest Alex,” Reggie says, “and I love you too.”

Alex smiles and relaxes. Life isn’t always like this. Isn’t always perfect and kind and easy. But it is sometimes and his bandmates will always be with him and now he has a label for what they are to each other too. Life couldn’t get much better.

**Author's Note:**

> Title stolen from Now or Never because I might as well stick with the theme of song lyrics from the show, right? 
> 
> Not going to lie, from like the first few episodes of the show, my brain was definitely seeing the three in a QPR. They were just so soft and easy with each other, you know? Easily offering comfort physically. 
> 
> One of the things I noticed with the band, and maybe this isn't always true, but a lot of the time physical contact with Alex is initiated by him (specifically, the hug with Willie and the hug at the end). Not to mention, he wears a long-sleeved hoody even when it'd be soooo hot. Some days I imagine it'd be fine, but sometimes he maybe doesn't want it and the band know this - so the band know to ask one way or another, to let Alex initiate it most of the time. 
> 
> Moving on to slightly nicer things, I totally think the trio can call each other to them and teleport one another. You see it in the beginning when Luke brings the trio to the Orpheum and he's asked why he brought them there. So it makes sense that Reggie could call Luke to them and I totally think Luke would drop most things for them, if not everything. 
> 
> Anyway, I just really love the found family dynamics here and want to see them in a QPR.
> 
> If you want, you can find me over on [tumblr](https://silent-silver-slip.tumblr.com/).


End file.
